i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
