i wish there were pregnant emoticons
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
