I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
