apparently the secret to your success is patron
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
