It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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