I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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