I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
