...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
