I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
