i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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