his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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