my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
