I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
