i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
