i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
