having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
