Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
