i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
