Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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