A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
