How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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