Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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