Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
