i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
