I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
