You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
