Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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