I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
