i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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