so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
