Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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