Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
