I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
