I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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