According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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