Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Sober January is a disaster.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
