dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
whose parrot is this?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
