Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
