in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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