I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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