This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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