I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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