I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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