yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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