He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I AM VODKA MAN
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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