you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
