Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
