dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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