he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
