My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
