Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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